Tuesday, September 30, 2003
:: A painting spits a thousand shits::
don't blame me for being cranky to the title.
how can i not be? i am braindead.
so tired.
so lethargic.
so dead.
arrrrff...!! i am sick! sick! sick of being a slavery for homeworks!
sigh... what was i shitting mann?!
:: A painting says a thousand words::
olrite~ on to my satisfying side.
well, something shocked me to wonder today..
shaw-tee(nice chique) told me 'bout this bitch that got herself pregnant.
got fucked w/o protection.
stupid bimbo.
can't stand these shit-heads.
she's onli 14 years old and can't even take responsibility fer herself want to have anudda one.
and to think that she's not even preeety.. got fucked oll the time.
stupid!
dumb!
okay..
i make a vow to NEVER get involved in anything that may get me STDs.
hahar.. today we did on chapter 7 (Science)
olriiite hanna~ u go do your shit-assignments before someone shits on ya'..
ciao~ mmmmmuaackkkzz...~
posted @ 8:37 PM
Monday, September 29, 2003
::Almost Purrfect::
i gots the monday bluuuzz.. but it didn't lasted long.. thankgod
ollrite, so here's the 4-1-1 fer today:
- we went to NTUC to get our ingredients fer Home ec (we're making
spaghetti bolognese and brownies and actualli smoothie.. but the strawberries therre were ekk..)
- Bot Sushi.. haha.. yea.. sad but true..:D
- i got cheesecake.. woohoo.. mmmmmmmmmmmm...
- checked out and flaunted all over LEVI'S. damn LEVI'S fer being so fucking expensive
yep.. that's almost it. not sucha great day huh?
ooohh yea.. one more thing.. i actually designed nazeerah her very own BLOG.. nice u noe..
i'm getting a fit.. heherr.. i have done zum ex-zellentt werrk herre...(french accent:P)
okay.. wtf am i spitting like some french chique
today boring la.. and no time to write thoughts bout my life.. which happens at least everyday..
too much assignment.. exam cuming.. bla bla bla..
sigh.. the story of my life..
"when something is going great, something bad inevitably has to happen.. SHIT!"
posted @ 6:17 PM
Sunday, September 28, 2003
~::It's Now Or Never::~
this is based on my true life account.
This walking of mine has limitless advantages.
It makes you look as though you're going somewhere
- as though you have somewhere to go
You keep walking, exhaustively- beyond pain
while legs forget and feet improvise
You walk because..
because...
you're so ashamed!
do you feel degraded!
Humiliation, bitterness and shame
- all those yours and more.
You'd die rather than let anyone discover
Now or Never.
That shame only hits a few of us. the stupid ones like you and me.
We crave anonymity and inoffensiveness.
We are tortured by the pathetic difficulties of trying to
maintain a decent appearance.
All day i have stretched my meagre soul in trying to appear other than
what i am
Just think of what it gives me, this deprivation.
the gift of thought and memory, that's what. I have a lot of time and few true distractions.
Yes, indeed. being a down and out is quite vital to the formation of a truly incisive intellectual me.
The world and I are a little sniffy with each other these days.
By God, I'm getting tired of this kind of life.
Feel pathetic and immature, do i at such times.
Though young, i see the emptiness and banality of my new true life.
the tramp-dillettante.(the famous phrase in "Ripley Bogle")
I t has crushed me.
crushed everything.
finding the source of light.
shit me.
i need to get an exit or some sort of gateway to another dimension of thinking.
so, this is what i came up with
Let me tell you. Give me time. Listen. You'll see.
posted @ 1:25 PM
Saturday, September 27, 2003
"old-primary-skool-shyts"
so, guess what?
i stumbled accidentally on this box containing my "childhood-kental" years. ahakx. yea.
time primary skool.. dulu2 tuh..
mahn! i was excited..all the shyts i used to tot was "cool", now its a definite 'NO-NO'
i actualli kept a diary back then. it was P.two i think
gawddddd.. my "language" back then was ... WOW!
that "wow" was not a good thing btw.
haha.. kiut sey the OLD-hanna.. all 'bout being angry at the teacher, tak geng dektu
AND ofcoz.. a whole list of crushes.. wekekeke.. kartoooon seeyy...
but i notice as i grow up, my language changes too wit' me. hahar.. yar..
ouhh.. this was during my primary 6.. check it' outtie..
i have no idea whom this poem was for.. but whuever it was, mahn! She's a BITCH..
My friends all think they know me
They think they know me very well
They think they know how i think
And how I live my life to tell
They think they know my life
They can read it from a book
I'm just so fucking obvious right?
Step in and take a closer look
Behind the scenes of action,
The closed curtains of my life
Lay all my hearts desires
Secrets, pain and strife.
But one person in particular,
Really seems to get to me
I don't know how to put it
She thinks she owns all she can see
She thinks the world of herself
Yet portrays it differently, doubted
Shes so hypocritical
And her mind is always clouded
She think that she can fix people
She thinks they want her help
But see, what she doesn't realize
Is that shes the only one who does it to herself
She tries to make amends,
we do, then we fight
all this constant bickering
has left us not so tight
I used to think the world of her
She was perfect, she was great
but then i sat down to think
All the trouble she has made
Talking shit behind my back
Watch, she's gunna bitch at this poem too
But you know what? i don't care any more
Because I'm fucking through with her
*erh, by-the-way, i just edited. hehe..
almost everything. so not that wonderrful lar.
argh.. saturday is total shit fer me. so boring
if i wanna go out olso, there's nowhere... and noone...
awww...:P
aiite, thats the shit i did today.. i just realise that the word "shit" is common herre..
i luuuvee it..
and im missing POZs.. ahakz. he's great. lotsa fun.
posted @ 8:15 PM
Friday, September 26, 2003
i am finally escaping from my shit-hole.
note the word "escaping". i did not put "FREE" from it. so i guess, i'm still in the cell.
oh well, yesterday i absolutely had no time for myself. no time to write.
but managed to noe myself in 10-15 years from now.
hahar.. yep..
im so jaded.. shit-jaded. aha.. thats more realistic.
"what's it say 'bout me"
Maybe I'm cocky.
Maybe I'm rude.
I have a hard head
And a big attitude.
Maybe I'm a bitch,
Because I speak what's on my mind
I can be unruly,
Almost unrefined.
I'm miss independant
I do it on my own.
I have a strong will,
Sometimes a heart of stone.
I do some things
For foolish pride.
I'm hard to please,
Never satisfied.
Sometimes I'm wrong,
But mostly I'm right.
I stand for what I believe,
And I will put up a fight.
So if you don't
Like what you see.
Fuck you then,
Cause this is me.
-i was bored-
ahaaakzz.....
its pheral signing off now.
muaaaaaackzz...
posted @ 3:00 PM
Thursday, September 25, 2003
you are burnout personified.
rich and succesful,
stressed and overworked.
you loathe men and relationships
with every fiber of your being.
What will you be like 10 to 15 years from now? (girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
posted @ 4:14 PM
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
ReScUe Me....
its really depressing to know that i am really dumb.
my friends seems to know better than me (in maths thats it)
oh god, and we're sitting for a maths test tomorrow.
i am really sick of failing my maths, but i really cant seem to pull my socks up to pass it.
i am really exhausted right now.
i did my artwork halfway, really feeling dizzy.
i feel like dozing off any minute now but I CANT. NO!
be strong hanna.
you can.
So, fuck it. thats it.
im studying.
posted @ 9:15 PM
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Buckle Up. Let's go for a ride
in MY world.
hanna's world.
her fictitious and direful world.
where she dooms her agony in bewilderment.
damn it.
its SHIT.
total shit.
rescue her before she spurts out of her senses.
My life of just a pathetic and measly 14 years can be total shit to others.
immaturity, rebellious and self-conscious is linked to these age group.
what will i turn out to be 10 years from now?
will i be successful?
will i enjoy my life?
will i still dread in my own fear of being self-conscious?
will i still be taken for granted?
will i finally understand the meaning of LOVE?
whatever i'll grow up to be, i know i want to still remember these teenage life of mine.
rebelliously-stupid is me.
this shit is within me.
and no miracle can diss it away from me.
"Total Hate"
my conversation with my inner conscience.
You're livin' your life without a care in the world
That's the way it should be
What's life like in a candy swirl
What's life like to me
Everyone is slowing down
Look once at life on the ground
You all are the people, they're runnin' around
Not making a sound
You're movin' along, just goin' your own way
Don't try to change
You're jumpin', you're runnin', you learn to play
Never try to rearrange
You're getting tired and starting to drag
Slowing down and that's sad
You're walkin' around, you're being a skag
Huh - well that's not my bag
Total hate! Total hate! Total hate! Total hate! Total hate!
Total hate! Total hate! Total hate! Total hate! Total hate!
Total hate, total hate
You're so fake, you make me shake
Your faded face is so irate
You share with none, you have no one
You're living your life in total hate
You don't even know me
so don't hate me
whaaat?!
awrh fuck off.
Bo bo bo bo bo quandbass!
a reminder : this is no movie or drama serial. it is one of the episodes in the life of one girl. she doesnt possess the lexicon of brutality and evil needed to survive in the deepest part of the underworld, and so it is highly predicted she should end up in tears.
posted @ 6:54 AM
Monday, September 22, 2003
Monday Bluuuuzz
this week's monday was not up to my perfection, but seriously.. it was alrite though
and especially today's assembly.. ROCK man !
it was all about growing up and stuff.. typical sophomoric topic.
about being pregnant, BGR and the BLAHS
bot a book tittled "the shopaholic ties the knot" or something close to that. cool man.
today was not exciting neither was it altruisticly boring.
just now, there was this uncanny knocking on the door. ( i mean normally the people in this house
uses the doorbell ).. so ol' stupid hanna went to open it... yes she did!
and soo.. it was this really burly and dark-skinned man that gives you a first impression
that he's "Mr-i-scare-people-easily".. well i was daunted obviously.
he was like asking me are my parent home and blahs.. oooo.. yarh! that freeked me out ! like hell!
well, i try to anticipate with the scary-situation and said that yea my parents are in
then he wanted to talk with them or whatever (cudn interpret what he was saying b'coz he was
really mumbling alot) soo... i said some stupid shits that they were sleeping and telling him not to bother
coz we're not interested in whatever shit he is selling and just slammed the door. (felt great at the same time. BAD ordeal) and he fucking kept on disturbing 'cept now he uses the doorbell. (i think he just found it)
i flipped and called my mudda. ahaa.. can you believe that?!
in all my life of living alone at home, NEVER did once i called 'em. whoa.. yes.. tragic ordeal today.
this whole situation was creepily giving me the primary school slogan "DONT TALK TO STRANGERS"..
yepp.. i was appalled!
ouh hanna, what a great composition you have just written
posted @ 8:58 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Calamity Jane suffering from sleeping disorder. Rescue her.
yes. for the first time of my life.
my sleeping disorder is killing me. i've been sleeping for only 'bout 3 hours EVERY single day.
thats like only 1/8 of the day. and when i TRY to sleep, i'll just end up tossing and turning in bed
and to my final resort.. THE COMPUTER. well, its just right next to me, that explains it rite?
okay, so as usual, my awakenings kept me dawdling in the net for like hours on end till i can sleep.
so, guess what i did tonite?
ahaaa... i went to take a look at that "shaw-tee" album.
the dissings were increasing(whats new..) and apparently, TYPICAL dian farah ditched her FRIENDS.
total bitch i tell ya'. she has been like doing that since.... since foreva!. well, i finally wrote again to reminisce farah..
ahaaks.. yap. this was wat i wrote:
"hanna: tak kenal takpe. but i stumbled upon this site somehow from a very long time ago and have been reading the dissings.. cool huh. and dian(and probably your t-bed too)should know who i am. kawan lamaaa skali..hanna.. i knoe i am SOOO an outsider in this place. no involvements at all eh.. not even in tpss.. but whuttaheck rite. well, probably you wont be visiting this trash-hold again, but i just gotta let out my thots for the fun of it and maybe coz this place is gonna soon be run-down. i BELIEVE you CAN be a nice person and yah, you have natural beauty that OTHERS noticed of.. i guess.. and having a history of backstabbing others and dissing guys is really pulling your arse down.. and i mean really drop-dead bottom. but hey, you can always pull it up back. PLEASE stop bringing others down and PLEASE respect the guys who finds you attractive and want to be with you. dont make them as ur slavery or whatever.. you are an "interesting" person but honestly, you also have not been in my favourite-people's list and i knoe goes for you too. and i knoe its soooo long ago, but this is MY opportunity to maybe talk to an old mate or whatever..haha okay, okay.. i knoe all the characters here.. the supporters and all.. and i knoe by writing NOW is going to be so,so lame.. but like i say.. whuttaheck rite. aite.. okay. everyone have fun but HONESTLY the dissings are really GETTING boring... so why not everyone just stop giving them the attention thats not worth a dime.
Mon Sep 22 10:36:35 2003"
just wanna always remind myself what i have written to her.
missing the old her, dissing the new bitch.
whaaaat-ever. ahaaaaaa...
Sucha PATETIK topic. okay, get it on wit other shits.
well, i seem to realised that i AM self-conscious towards myself.
that sickens me.
gots to stop this philanderings.
posted @ 11:31 PM
"Feeling aimlessly(and stupidly) seeking for Love"
Something strange has come over me
a raging wind across my seas .. (hah! fer real)
And boy you know that your eyes are to blame
What am I suppose to do
If I can't get over you
I come to find that you don't feel the same..
I lose my step
I lose my ground
I lose myself when you're around
I'm holding on for my life
To keep from drowning in your eyes
So many times I thought I had it in my hands
But just like grains of sand love slipped through my fingers
So many nights I asked the god
Please make me lucky in love (coz i never am.. whyyy..)
To find a love that lingers
Something keeps telling me that he could be my
answered prayer
he must be heaven sent
I swear
whatever hanna. forget it. you've moved on.
yes. of course i have.
now just boiling down everything on my studies.
yup. probably thats what i should have been doing months ago.
i hate regrets. hate it so much. diss it!
posted @ 2:01 AM
Saturday, September 20, 2003
"SaTurDaY-NiGhT-FeVeR"
literally..
havin fever on a saturday night.
-=Staring Problem=-
this is probably what the bitches out there are singing in their heads when they stare..
My eyes are so rootless
They wander, I follow
I keep staring, I can't stop it
I know I shouldn't
But I can't stop it
Such a cute girl
I'm so jealous
I wish I looked exactly like her
What's it like to have that body?
I'm gawking while I wonder
S-T-A-R-I-N-G
I can't stop staring
S-T-A-R-I-N-G
I can't stop staring
With my envy I steal glances
Resentful fault finder
This peek-a-boo's become a problem
Predisposed cat fighter
S-T-A-R-I-N-G
I can't stop staring
S-T-A-R-I-N-G
I can't stop staring
Quote: "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal"
posted @ 7:27 PM
Friday, September 19, 2003
its friday yo!! last day of the weekdays.. c'mon time ta' PARTY!!
thats wasnt me.
ohmygawd~!! i am going ballistic! i am feeling euphorically surprised! "SHE'S ALL THAT" is actually
on in channel 5. can you believe that?! that is like my all-time favourite movie.
right after watching survivor:pearl island (bitches holla!), suddenly come out the friday supper late nite crap.
then got that miramax thing rite? i was like.. ohmigod!! oh migod!! is it ? is it? ahah.. kk.. i am so over-reacting.
pardon me for being enthusiastic.
movies that makes me go "gugu-gaga" on top of my head rite now are:
1. she's all that
2. Girlfight
3.jawbreaker
4. STRIKE!
5. not another teen movie
6. armageddon (whoa!)
7. 2 fast 2 furious
8. Practical Magic
9. Blue crush
10. Dangerous Minds
11. You've got mail
12. Girl Interrupted
13. Disturbing Behaviour
14. Cruel Intentions ( okay.. so its RA-ted, but the movie rocks!)
15. The Craft
16. Mulholland Drive
17. Osmosis Jones (hehhe)
18. Driven
and i knoe there's a blardy whole lot more.. this is just the list that i can think of right now.
Come on come on I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living should I blast myself?
I'm tired of bein' poor and even worse I'm dissed
my stomach hurts so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much
There goes the dreams we used to say
There goes the time we spent away
There goes the love I had but you cheated on me
And thats worth that now
There goes the house we made a home
There goes you'll never leave me alone
For all the lies you told
This is what you owe
shifururu.. i miss ya'...
Quote: "Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living. "
posted @ 8:33 PM
Thursday, September 18, 2003
" i was thinking.. what would it be like if......."
WHOA!! this car rocks!! this is my dream.... sigh....*faraway-look*
Phew! that sajak crap is overr... tension sey tadi, lagik first group.. my stomach was tight in a knot of fear and skittish all the way..tapi muke step relek ah.. hah
oh.. phir just told me zahrin cried after being confonted by adib? haha.. serious?
tapi fikir2 cam kesian pulak.. adib eksyen je besar.. mana peh.. haha but that freeek deserves the ATTENTION
that he has been seeking after all this time :P. kire dah popular la. kental.
i am such a deluded moron! Tipu pon tak agak sey hana.. haha.. maluuuu.. i think my lie was a little far-fetched and unrealistic. first time! aha... maluuuu...
Came back late from school.. lolly-gagging for a while at LJS. sigh.. macam gini ke idop aku hari2? peh lah boring..
Lim beh lost her voice! ya~! for real.. it was like the miracle that ive been wishing for, cept that wasnt really what i wanted, but whatever, thats still great news. kirekan.. maths nari 6 period.. tapi not stressfull coz she wasnt talking at all.
eh.. my life is a ho-hum everyday.........
not much shits happen in a day.. i want more! more! the days seems to pass by quickly.
anyway, while i was in the bus (such a fucking long trip sia bus no. 3), the memories i have been eluding for so long came up to me, overtake me like a shadow. i mean, i was thinking of all the past mistakes. phoa.. i am a sinner..
The truths appeared suddenly and very abruptly in the middle of my thought, like a hair on a lens. very unexpected.
i wish i could ask for forgiveness from these people. that was what hydil asked me last time.. something bout doing something wrong to someone and wanting to say sorry to them but.. they're gone..
i feel lost and shitty. but i guess, everyone has their past mistakes.. just that these mistakes are covered by the hassles in life. i kept nudging my forehead.. thinking and thinking.. sigh.. i feel really bad.. but anyway, i have asked for forgiveness from god. hope its enough for now and hopes he noes my sincerity.. seriously.. awrh~
"STRICKEN"
I love you completely
I guess I'm kinda mad about you
I love you, I love you I do
Love overcomes all of my senses
Lowers all of my defenses, yeah
And all of your faults vanish to a blind daze
Your bitterness erased by my sense of taste
And harsh words are deafened by love
I love you completely
I couldn't be madder about you
I love you, I love you I do
I love you completely
There's nothin' I see bad about you
I love you, I love you I do
Love welcomes me to every new day
The stars are all falling down my way, yeah
And all of the planets are lined in the sky
The lights are shining down upon you and I
My world is stricken by love
Quote: "Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you"
posted @ 5:04 PM
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
*Shit-Luck*
I think i seriously need a miracle now. sigh..
okay, my new class seating arrangement dolt! argh.. hate it.
nora alwayyys get the BEST seat. ah whatever. Just her luck.. well she always have her luck.
she is late again to school. is she having fun getting detention? she seems proud:P but i don
think she really likes the thot of cleaning vandalisms made on tables.. haha..
awrite~ i didnt see that arse-hole to give a piece of my mind to. but actually
i couldnt bother less, he's just seeking attention.
today is WEDNESDAY. D-uh! ok ok, i mean wednesday is a short day but i feel lethargic and fagged out.
exams are coming.. i could feel myself hiding the tension building in me. waaa..!! im not ready totally..
dammit. why do i always have to do powerpoints? FUCK it. blardy bitches w/o feelings for me.. shhhh.... i'm sorry that i had to say this but im just fucked up right now.
argh.~
Quote: "Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was."
posted @ 10:53 PM
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
-Affection Disorder-
the day has been pretty hectic and im bushed.
did i sleep in the afternoon? yeah, i think i did for just a few hours. gosh, i can't even remember.
Tuesdays can be a prrretty long day.. but i love cos there's no maths and mother tongue.
two most unfavourote subject currently.
oh i almost forgot. something interesting and new DID happen today. its about zahrin, this very weird, self-devoted and attention-seeker kinda of guy. ew, my least favourite people, "attention-seeker"!
i received a letter saying he has been talking lots of dirty shits bout me and adib.. c'mon ! what is up wit' that! i am not wit him anymore so stop it. its getting old and lame. well, his dirty shits were self-involved with me and i don't even think people believed his shits. his shits were something like he's going steady with me now and adib and i broke up because he beat adib up and he got scared. my god... he really does not noe how to be REALISTIC. all this shits are so out-wretched that i could not even bother to talk to him, but i still gots to the my rights. gots to give him a tight slap. nobody talks shits bout me except for people who are jealous of me(haha! jealous pee.. cam real je hanna neway couldn't bother), anyway, no one talks shits bout me. esp. for him.. and im not EVEN close to him.. hah! i find him psychoatic. right spelling eh?
kk whatever.. im getting sick talking bout these self-involved people seeking attentions in the MOST outrageous way everr.. kk well, did another quiz today to find out my personality. not that i really trust in quizzes but they're cool to try out. heh alrite....
posted @ 7:32 PM
Monday, September 15, 2003
*Back-2-School*
firstly, typical word given by a typical student.. "BORED".
ok, i stumbled upon this quiz about my japanese name and meaning or whatever. cool arh.
ok, ok.. event of the day. well, s.c.h.o.o.l , what else can possibly happen on a monday-after-holiday.. everyone feel really gloomy, but today was the sec 4 graduation ceremony. me, hanan and nadiah stayed back waiting for nora, and we saw the sec 4's getting pictures of them and teachers. kinda envy that but hey, our turn will come soon.. yah! like in two more fweeking years. hah.. patience.. very sentimental sey.. song"vitamin c=friends forever" was playing again and again. pupils were taking pictures with teachers, hugging and crying.. aww..
i've been thinking.. what will i see with my batch in 10 years from now?
the nerds will be multi-millionaires.. haha and then mebbe the guys would turned to HUNKS.. whoa!
everyone would be already be showing what they have achieved. some may be happy or even sad down the road. arh.. L.I.F.E is unpredictably complicated.. i am having truble coping with maths.. oh god. seriously!
for every maths lesson (esp. start of a new topic of whatever), i feel so depressed.. like stressed.. and the lesson has not even started yet. fitch!
i hate maths. haha. the phrase "i-hate-maths" will haunt me in laughter when im like in my 20s.. and i'll be saying.. awrgh~ typical secondary students.. i pity them.
hah.. anyway that IS what my sister been saying to me. BITCH.
ouhhhh.. i am sooo gonna miss the sec 4 batches.. (the graduating class atleast NOT [NA CLASSES])
no more rowdy boys be hanging out behind the bookshop. it'll just be the sights of bitches.
i realli feel like a kid. as in... im still in secondary TWO. pathetic! i can't wait to grow up. feel like skipping age~..
sec two is still "budak2 taik".. kental. and for one thing im shawrt. so that certainly adds up to everrrrything..
i realised that my friends are quite competitive. i kinda like that FOR ONCE.. something i liked. oooh.. i got GOLD for NAPFA.. woohoo.. yaharr.. nora too. nadiah bronze.
so, basically im just summarising my day. today not much drama, and i like it this wayyy.. pleeeese always make monday like this.............
" everything i say that does not directly comes out of the mouth, but written is always FACT.. no denying "
posted @ 6:12 PM
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Holidays are o.v.e.r
and i didn't even felt the holiday. it was moving so fast and i did not accomplish anything.
okay. NOT anything, but still! i want more days.. but too bad for me coz this is the LAST holiday we're getting before exams begin. i could already feel the tension in me. there's this thing that kinda bothered me for the last few days.. what hydil said to me... " i'll be with people like hanan, yana , irsyad and all you'll be with khaldun and hakim and all".. OKAY..anyway, he was implying things that its like a crime to be better in certain subjects. i've noticed this alot too. Say nora..
she will be like saying to yana. "alah, biarkan dorang.. pandai pe.. kiter yang bodoh seme together masok last class, takpe. mesti gerek: FUCK it bitch. im sorry. but what the fuck you shitting bout. wat crap.. ahh anyway, they get good grades too but do i say that. shit NO. awrh.. why am i getting so worked up with this shit. ok.. so today's Sunday.. last day of holiday, a pretty good reason why i'm feeling DISGRUNTLED! okayy... so, tomorrow is monday.. the shittest day of the week. monday IS the day when i get totally Left-out. hah! what is new! malay dahlah aku dudok sorang, beh kene tgk tu dua setan ketawer2, music aku dok sorang lagik.. ni seme sebab i GIVE IN TOO MUCH to them. i mean, c'mon i HAVE FEELINGS TOO! not just you guys. and the fact that when i c one of them feel left out, i'll always feel bad and stop whatim saying and invite both to the conversation. what do they doo. freeking nothing. mahn! what kind of friends are that .. seriously.. i am being taken for granted. why am i letting them do that.. i NEVER let anyone do that too me last time.. why is it happening now. WHY?! what the hell is the matter with me.
i mean serrriously.. u can see the difference between old and new hanna. its like two totally different person. i am weaker now. i let people step on me now! f.u.c.k.
dammit. i am letting people take me for granted!
~Emotional Baggages~
my emotions are moving at a speed of inconsistency. sometimes you may find it moving up too fast or moving down too slow. Meaning, i can be really excited at one time and few minutes later i get emotionally-disturbed. what is wrong with me.. i never get these shits. hormones issit? are you sure? but they shud be stopping by now.. or should they?? argh~
i am feeling down.. frantic, harebrained, pissed, huffed, sore, impetent, bitched, mad, deplorable, distressing and pitiful!
went for a quiz to release the tension in me right now.. awrgh..~
Quote: " Optimism means expecting the best, but confidence means knowing how to handle the worst. Never make a move if you are merely optimistic. "
posted @ 7:24 PM
Saturday, September 13, 2003
*Bitchitorial-of-the-day*
so, i found this website about the level of bitchiness.
i am kinda above average by a weeeee bit. but hey, i'm okay. TOTALLY. haha
HAH! just a wee bit. that ain't o bad rite~ but hey... there was this question that made me think..
Question: How many Guys Have You Dumped?
Ans: 7
ohmygawd~ 7 out of 9.. can you believe this crap! its either i can't stand guys or i really have problem getting the right one.
well, in my case.. i think i'm having the truble.
oh crimaty.. well.. WHATEVER
so what i did today.. SATURDAY.. well.. here's the list.
1. last nite i didnt sleep AT ALL (stayed up editing my blog. hehe. and watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S, mahn i'm hooked!)
2. slept for onli 4 hours! and still not tires. what is up wit' me. am i having caffeine in my body system. weeeird..
3. went out to Suntec.. bot cuple off stuff ... and they arrree..
- topshop sling tote bag. (its reeeli cute!)
- topshop pouch. lawa gilerrr.. cudnt resist the devilic-temptations..
- HMV, bot 2 F.R.I.E.N.D.S vcds.. told ya' i'm addicted!
- anutie anne's cinnamon raisin.. arrh.. tat totally filled up my gear to shop more
total expenditure was 67 bux.. whoa girlfriend! u aint gonna have any allowance left. what hu cares. FUCK it.
3. went back.. arrh.. menstruation...fuck.fuck.fuck.
4. mudda.mob bot for me famous-amos.. awrh~one of my addictions too..
L.O.N.E.L.Y
lately.. i'm beginning to feel lonely. ouh~ whats new bout tat!
i wa in the MRT and i looked everywhere.. couple..couple..couple..
awrh~ i'm missing the fact of being attached.. and its only been a month since i broke up. i guess i am
prone to loneliness.. in fact i Do! dammit.
i still donno the REAL reason why i broke up wit him.. shit me. what the hell is wrong wit me.
i feel like shit everyday.. i mean LOOK! everyone is falling in love.. and i'm not..
argh.. eliminate my negativity. like its THAT easy huh!
posted @ 10:42 AM
Friday, September 05, 2003
alrite~.. "LIFE'S A BITCH, THEN YOU DIE"
The ever-so-popular quote i love in JawBreaker..
MENTAL STATE OF DEPRESSION
i am feeling really empty right now. i am sufferring from excessive emotional baggages. i reelli need some help right now.. anyone.. whoever.. this feeling of protection and walls closing in on me is taking over my mental state.
i find myself sitting in one corner, crying my heart out.
i find myself staring blankly and ignore my emotional capacity.
i find myself doodling words like "boredom is killing me softly", "get me out of this helldom", "argh"..
what is going through me? changes? how can it be..
i have always not being able to control my emotions.
im prone to being hurt. it sucks. i can't control this.
i really need someone whu can understands me. i need space. i relli need space from everyone around me.
i need freedom! freedom of everything
freedom of life.
freedom of speech.
freedom of expressing out my feelings instead of bottling everything up and causing an emotional outburst.
i also find myself drawing out my feelings on a sketch paper and what was in the drawing...
theres a hand and a sharb object cutting through the wrist
a paper with F9 written on it
tears.. lots of tearss..
the tears falls into a bottle filled with more of these tears.
a bursting effect on the bottle.
pills, lots of pills.
moon. moon crying.
a road. never ending.
a traffic light that is always showing RED.
a gate. a fence. walls surrounding the whole picture.
a glass of water. in the water, small bubbles can be seen.
bubbles were arranged in a way that one of the bubble was excluded to one side.
a sad face crying.
what do all these tell me. i do not knoe yet.
am i crying out for attention. DEFINITELY NO.
i have enough of it that i want some of it loose.
i need SPACE. SPACE. SPACE.
FREEDOM.
FREEDOM.
FREEDOM.
FREEDOM.
I could continue doing this forever but it wont make much of a diff.
i relli wanna get out of my house. relli do. badly.
i feel so locked up and chained in this house.
all i do i mopped around and study.
i need air. space. freedom. LIFE
yeah.. importantly.. i need LIFE.
I HAVE NO LIFE.! I NEED ONE!
its the oni way i can survive
oh god.. help me..
help make everyone around understand what i'm going through..
this happy face of mine is just a mask. just a mask.
what i need is help.
help to unleash me from my misery.
fuck it. i reeli need help.
fuck the hell out my parents.
fuck my life. i aint have a life.
i am soo sick of being stepped on.
sick of being taken for granted.
what am i? some BULLSHIT !
FUCK IT.
posted @ 3:42 AM