Saturday, August 30, 2003
Reality check:
Teacher's day
met old bitches and assholes.
a friend made me realised that i was always being taken for granted
and i can't get over shahrul
i guess its already the point whereby he likes me, i don. and i like him, he doesnt
its always what happens to me
i feel like becuming a bitch and relli bitch around
fucked up
felt like rebelling and wont let anyone to step on me
yes.
i have to be strong
pics developed.. (kendarat at nazeerah's sista's wedding)
whatever you see.
posted @ 3:40 AM
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Pucker Up !~
what i would like to do when i grow up:
1. get my own apartment! *priority!*
2. make money
3. be with the one i love
4. be a successor
5. travel around the world!
6. total freedom--> freedom of life, freedom of speech, freedom or rights
7. stand up fow what i think is right
8. be a more upright and open person
9. able to handle worrying situations
10. say what i feel!
bot for him come shirt and cap.
hope he'll like it.
it took me less than 20 minutes.
coludn't bother.
no idea why.
olso becoz i was in a rush.
need to get tuition for maths.
still not good at expressing feelings.
still feeling jealous and hatred.
studied too hard.
exhausted.
terribly, uncomfortable hot.
sick of bitches.
tired of life.
a very long and exhausting day.
slept in the afternoon very long.
had a phone conversation with nora.
talked crap.
talked bout nadiah and her love life and family.
pity her.
jealous of the attention.
talked bout adib.
talked bout why i'm wanting to drop the bomb on adib.
talked bout love and relationships.
common topic for nora.
bored.
altruistic.
breathless.
self-less.
no control over myslef all of a sudden.
wants to be alone in love.
maybe just for a moment.
really getting sick of love.
bla.
bla.
i need freedom from everything.
from love.
from parents.
from problems.
from self-upset-emotions.
from jealousy and hatred.
from stress and depression.
from sights of unpleasing people.(bitches in particular)
and more.
more.
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...
yes there is more to life thats just waiting for me to uncover...
posted @ 3:39 AM
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
WoRRiE-WarTs HaunTing My Life. F-u-c-k.
its still only about 6 am in the morning, i am only dressed in my PE attire. its only morning and i have had the worries for the whole day, like am i gonna be left out? and bout netball, shold i go? and if i did not go, what are the consequences? i'll be fucked up by others.. or.. am i going to look bad or fat when i take my school yearbook picture? and is the day going to get any better?
there are just so many worried thoughts everytime i wake up on a MOnday. MOnday sucks! i also think i have the monday blues.
how can i stop my insecurities before they rule my life forever? i have got to stop this damaging anxieties out of me!
How?
How?
i need another therapy (that 100% guaranteed to work)
it's just in me to worry about everyday stuffs. i am not easygoing and happy-go-lucky that i may seem to be, i have million of insecurities taking their hiding places in my brain.
[Ways to relinquish the insecurities in me]
1. diminished the negative tots that wakes me up everyday
2. smile to the mirror first thing in the morning
3. write a reflection each day before dozing off to sleep
4. eat healthy and exercis frequently
5. have a good and proper breakfast
6. think off all the good things in life
7. think of all the good things that i want to happen in life
8. tell someone how important they are to me
9. establish a good relationship with parents, peers, friends, teachers; everyone around me
10. try and fill up my time to worry by doing something else like watching tv, listening to music, call someone up or eat.
posted @ 3:38 AM
Monday, August 11, 2003
ALL THE SHITS IN MY LIFE
these are the daily shits that have been happening in my life ever since..
ever since.. as always. like any other day. it just never ends.
today happens to be a 1 whole year anniversary. but he hasnt called since. and the day isnt getting any better. Mom's nagging her way through my day and get everyone pissed off. sis left home. if i were her i'll do that to. but the fucked up thing is my parents thinkin that she has influenced me and i will turn bad like her. that is the problem of having relli aged parents. i'm sick of this life im downtrodding everyday. it sickens me alot. and another thing that pisses me off is when they found the pic i took with that jerk. fuck? redhanded. that was a BIG mistake. now i am soo not trusted she keeps saying that im gonna be like my sista? nuthing excites me to live anymore. not that i wanna die. but everyone is getting on my nerve and i cant help it but to always dreaming of illusions of killing them with a laser gun. no one in this werld i soo much ready to hear my problems . i cant confide to a single soul in my life. why am i like this? im in a state of trepidation and hopeless. is my life going to go on like this forever. now i have to get back into my parents good book. but no matter how much good things i have done, a single mistake wud still place a higher balance than the good deeds. is that gonna be a permanent basis of my unsucculent life? oh god..
[7:33PM] okay, i just realised that my supposedly BLOOD sister just can't handle my secrets when she's in deep shit. i have no one (seriously not a single person) that i can share my secrets with . well, not having a good sunday when im SUPPOSE to! i already noe that my monday blues tomorrow gonna be so bad .. argh i hate it. i can't insert into my brain all the piece of advice on thinking positive tots. i can't help it. negativity is always within me. why?.. oh why??.. monday.. monday.. shitty day..
first of all, imma be left out alot by nadiah and nora. since there'z music and mother tongue. goddammit! they seriously think i like sitting alone?~! and watching those two luffing and enjoying of the other's company while i am at the back luking at them in enviousity. ouh, they just love to see me suffer. fuck them! argh! netball's killing me! i dont have the feeling and excitement to go anymore. i mean i shud seriously quit. im not enjoying what i'm doing nowadays, and if i'm not giving myself enjoyment how am i gonna be an optimstic person b'coz giving myslef self-satisfaction is the i noe i can play real good (if i dunno, how can i gain play netball in primary skool like relli good). i'm just not getting self-motivation. it's peer pressure out there.
i need sumone to confide in on the shits that has been happening in my life..! okay, maybe to the world out there, i'm still a KID. still under 21, or even still under 16! but i really noe what i'm doing. im relli matured. im just not given a chance to put my butt in on sumtink relli important that can show the whole wide world how matured i am. maybe i still dunnot noe certain things in life, and i am waiting to uncover it. i am. i seriously am. it's just that i'm not given a chance. its a normal saying when parents say that they have TASTED THE SALTS OF LIFE. and i olso noe that one day when i have kids i'll do the same thing, but i am not doing what my parents r duing to me . they dont give me freedom. no freedom at all in anything i do. ok. so i noe i still need their consent in everyhting i do. but isn't my age they typical "REBEL-age" now. they are not giving me any chance of enjoying my life. i noe i still have the religious rules and all, but i STILL wan to enjoy life!~
u think i don't get envy of looking at other happy families hu can let their childrens interact with them and having their childern to talk to them abt their problems. i want that too. but why can't i get it? all i want from them is teh chance to be able to interact openly.
i think i noe how i get my insecurities of not being able to express out my feelings easily to anyone before i relli trust them.
iths from my parents. if i cant talk to my OWN flesh-n-blood parents, how am i going to tell STRANGERS my problems.
that's it. i finally figured it all out.
posted @ 7:47 AM